Tuesday, April 5, 2016

The Deflategate lawsuit: American jurisprudence will never be the same

It would be easy to react to a lawsuit filed by New England Patriots fans over Deflategate by laughing so hard it's difficult not to pee one's pants.

But if you read the claim a little more carefully (after changing your pee-stained pants, of course), you will soon realize the is some potentially groundbreaking legal doctrine here.

For instance, there is the claim that "Plaintiffs have dealt with embarrassment, ridicule and depression due to the rest of the country who is jealous of the Patriots 'piling on' and criticizing the Patriots and their fans for being 'cheaters.'"

Yes, the concept of "They hate us 'cause they ain't us" is now part of a lawsuit. In response, I'm sure the defendants' lawyers will introduce "No, they hate the Patriots because the Patriots cheat and are arrogant, and what's this 'us' crap, anyway? What position do you play? Have you no life?"

I imagine they'll both sound far more regal once their translated to Latin in time to be studied by first-year students in all the finest law schools.

But beyond that, "embarrassment, ridicule and depression" from other fans? I'm a Yankees fan who lives in Massachusetts. How much f---ing ridicule do you think I get? Granted, not so much recently -- three last-place finishes in four years will do that to a fan's smart mouth -- but still enough that I could possibly own the state of Massachusetts if this whole thing plays out!

Job No. 1 should that happen, by the way ... dynamite the Braintree Split, one of the most-ridiculous examples of traffic engineering outside the state of New Jersey.

Yet there's even more to this lawsuit. A common theme throughout is that the whole controversy makes them feel stinky as fans, for lack of a better term. So if you can sue someone who makes you feel stinky as a fan, even though they don't do anything to you directly, oh the lawsuits you can file!

I could take Joe Torre to court for not bunting on a one-legged Curt Schilling in 2004. Talk about something that led to "embarrassment, ridicule and depression"!

Jose Mourinho parked Chelsea's bus against Liverpool, quite possibly costing them the Premier League title. I was sooooo upset! Sure, it happened in England, but I watched in America, so that gives me standing, right?

Daryl Gross not only hired the totally unqualified Greg Robinson as Syracuse's football coach, he then hatched a ridiculous scheme to make Fab Melo eligible. Perhaps you heard about it, since it was part of what got Jim Boeheim suspended.

Aaron Craft and the officials who refused to call fouls on him for manhandling Syracuse's guards conspired to cost the Orange the 2012 East Regional final.

The San Diego Chargers have managed to screw up just about everything they've touched for at least 15 years now.

And there's more, much more. If you're looking for me, you can find me at the local courthouse.


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