I could get into sportswriting, but I'm at the stage in life where my teenage dream of being the world's greatest play-by-play man probably won't happen.
I have this here blog, with it's accompanying Twitter account, that I hope people like.
But I have decided that my great contribution to the world of sports will be through a book, nothing as brilliant as what I've recently read from John Feinstein, Frank Deford or Dirk Hayhurst, but something that needs to be written.
The book's title?
"Sit the #@!& Down!" (Yes, it's inspired by this.)
I've had the idea in mind for about a year, ever since last year's Futures at Fenway, and I've touched on it very briefly here, but the Pawtucket Red Sox game Mrs. Last Honest Sport and I went to last night (they had fireworks) convinced me it had to be written.
During the game, I'm estimating we had to get up 30 times to let people in and out of our row for people getting food, going to the bathroom, calling their bookies ... I don't know what. The lowest point was the people who arrived in the second inning and then had to get up within 10 minutes ... to get wine! Who drinks wine at a ballpark, much less a minor league ballpark? What is that conversation?
"I hear they have a great 1981 Dave Koza."
But I digress.
"Did you say a 1981? That was the year of the 33-inning game! That's the best Koza! Let's go! I know we just got here, but a 1981 Koza cannot wait!"
The book will cover several basic themes that will make the game more enjoyable for the people who read it and for the people around them at the ballpark. (Any and all other ideas are welcome.)
1. Try to arrive on time -- Traffic and lines will be what they are, so it's not always possible to be seated by the first pitch, kickoff, tip or faceoff. But if you arrive in the second inning or after the first period ends (the latter of which happened at a Boston Bruins game a few years ago, and they were obnoxious kids to boot), you get no sympathy from me. Plus it's impractical; you bought a ticket for the whole game, so you should try to see as much of it as possible.
2. Plan your trips -- Almost every sporting event has natural breaks. That's when you should go to the concession stand, bathroom (unless it's a dire emergency), team store, convenient place to call the bookie, etc. Yes, that's when there might be lines, but it's less of an inconvenience for everybody.
3. Get up judiciously -- How often, exactly, do you need to get up? Assuming you arrive early enough to go to the store beforehand or go afterward, twice should be about the limit ... once to get the hamburgers, hot dogs, pizza or whatever and then a second time for ice cream if you're so inclined. Potty breaks can be incorporated into either trip.
4. Say "excuse me," but not "I'm sorry" -- If you must make me get up once, twice or so many times that the people behind me spend half the time staring at my behind, by all means, say "excuse me." That's the minimum level of politeness. But don't say "I'm sorry." You're not. If you were that concerned, you wouldn't be squeezing by me.
5. Have a clue -- Not everybody is as obsessive as I am about sports. I get that. However, if you're at a baseball game and don't know who Jacoby Ellsbury is (or insert home team player rehabbing that night in that very minor league ballpark here), call the former Cardinals and current Angels star "Alex Pujols" or ask if "Mark McGwire had been disqualified," I don't want to be anywhere around you. (All of these happened last night.)
I also don't want to be near you if, as was the case at the Padres game I attended last year, you yell at the other fans for not knowing what they're doing and then you do the wave while the home team is batting/has the ball/shooting free throws.
6. Watch the game -- Would you go to a movie and then do everything but watch the movie? A play? A concert? Of course not. So why would you do it at a game?
I have gone to one game in a private box in my life, a Durham Bulls game where the company our friends worked for had a box that night. I have to say, it was pretty cool, especially since it was air-conditioned on a night where the game-time temperature was 103 degrees and we didn't need to go to the concession stand because they brought us food.
Yet as I looked around the box, of the 15 or 20 people who were there, I think my wife and I were the only ones actually watching the game. Everyone else was treating it as a social event ... loudly.
That's why this guy is a hero of mine.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. If you don't want to watch the game, stay home and watch a game on TV. The refrigerator and bathroom are there for the using. You can talk on the phone or surf the Internet to your heart's content. You don't have to fight traffic. If the game is boring, you can change the channel or shut off the TV.
And you don't have people like me judging you.
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