The scene -- New York Yankees spring training in Tampa, Florida.
The event -- Alex Rodriguez, back from a 162-game suspension, addresses the media.
"Thank you all for coming today.
I would like to start by saying that it's great to be back. I have always loved baseball, but a year away from the game has caused me to realized I love it even more than I thought, and I hope to earn my spot in the Yankees' lineup and help the team win another World Series.
That being said, I understand that I've made a lot of mistakes, the biggest being using performance-enhancing drugs. All I can say about that is that I'm sorry, and my time away from the game caused me to realize how selfish and foolish I was.
Looking forward, all I can do is try to be a better man.
I know one issue that has come up is the bonuses I am set to receive for reaching certain home run milestones. Because I realize it would be wrong for me to accept them, I have asked the Yankees, and they have agreed, to use the money toward funding scholarship for underprivileged children in New York and Miami. Those kids deserve the money more than I do.
I also realize that as I say this, none of this matters to any of you, as you probably have your stories about me making another phony statement already written, and are just looking for quotes from me to fill it in.
I am well aware that my original sin was not using PEDs, but having the unmitigated gall to sign the contract the Texas Rangers put in front of me. I have been able to do no right in your eyes since then.
Therefore, I can admit to using PEDs twice when David Ortiz -- who was a nobody before he took them -- has never admitted them, and you fall all over yourselves about how wonderful he is while I'm scum. I also know that I've just helped you write your stories, as now I've 'ripped' my 'friend David Ortiz to take heat off' myself.
Therefore, it was OK in your eyes for my own general manager to curse me out for daring to say that I'm ready to start playing again without wondering what his motivation might be.
Therefore, it was OK in your eyes for Major League Baseball to have had such a desire to come after me for Biogenesis that it would purchase stolen documents and for former Commissioner Bud Selig to never answer for how his office handled the investigation.
Therefore, it was OK in your eyes to not point out that I got a longer suspension because of everything I had done, while apparently everyone else involved in Biogenesis except for Ryan Braun must have been caught having done only one thing and for the first time in their lives.
So you know what else is OK? For you to write and say whatever you want. Because you know what else I've realized in the last year? There's nothing I can do to make you happy except retire immediately and never be seen again.
I'm sure you guys have a lot of questions, but too bad. I'm out of here. Go talk to Ortiz instead."
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