My advice for Gus Johnson

Gus ... Gus ... Gus ... GUS!!!!

Sorry, didn't mean to yell there. I just wasn't sure you could hear me over whatever it was you were talking about.

I must confess, I was not thrilled to hear that you were being groomed to Fox's lead announcer for the 2018 World Cup. I might have even said something on the Twitter machine about it being the latest in Fox's seemingly never-ending efforts to screw up every sport there is. For one thing, if I ever find the guy with the robot fetish ...

You see, Gus, to be honest, I'm not a fan. What used to be endearing enthusiasm has turned into what I call Garces/Brown Syndrome. Since I doubt you've been following this blog since its inception, it's when a person becomes so defined by a particular characteristic (in your case, getting somewhat excited over things) that it consumes them.

Simply put, you've become shtick. And it annoys me greatly.

However, if you're going to do the gig, you might as well do it as well as you can. In that spirit, I would like to offer you a few friendly bits of advice.

1. Learn the game

I've been following soccer a little more than casually for the past few years. It's actually kind of exciting, getting to know more about a sport that I didn't grow up with and really had no knowledge base about. I'm getting better, but if I got plopped in a broadcast booth, I would drown in a deep pool of flop sweat and suck.

So I can appreciate your learning curve, and it's encouraging to see that you understand it, starting with calling yourself a "novice."

I'm also heartened that it looks like you're doing the work, calling MLS games on the radio, taking a trip to Europe to see games and meet with people and even playing pickup soccer games.

All very good. May I also suggest reading anything you can find from Jonathan Wilson? Sure, 90 percent of it will go over your head, especially when he gets deep in the weeds on tactics. but the 10 percent that sticks will be valuable.

2. Seriously, about the yelling

Listening to you cover a football game is like the announcing version of the running back who gets all puffy-chested and James Dean-like (h/t former co-worker Ray) for picking up four yards on 3rd-and-3 or the linebacker who does a little dance when he stops a runner for a six-yard gain. There's a lot of excitement that doesn't need to happen.

The thing about soccer is that you'll get your moments to be the Gus Johnson that so many people know and love. They just tend to sometimes be few and far between, and they can come out of nowhere.

And the moments don't even have to be goals. There are a lot of exciting moments where the ball doesn't go into the net. My favorites are the shots that appear out of the blue by ROO-NEY! or DROG-BA!

When someone actually scores, especially if it's spectacular, by all means, let it go. I can envision your goal calls being almost as famous as Ray Hudson's, albeit for the volume and not necessarily the flights of whimsy with the English language.



But I beg of you, just pick your spots. (While you're at it, apply that to the rest of your stuff, too.)

3. Tell us how you really feel

You're an American announcer, which means you belong to the school of no players or coaches ever doing something wrong or not being good at what they do unless there's some sort of extenuating circumstance like a bum knee or a sleepless night before the game due to nightmares of an announcer yelling in his ear all night.

But while you're watching English games on Fox Soccer Channel all weekend (which I'm sure you're doing), take note how honest the announcers are. They're all quite skilled at noting how many golden scoring chances Liverpool blows -- lots of opportunities for practice -- and if a player messes up, they say so. If a coach makes a boneheaded move, they say so. I'm pretty sure I've heard them say a team has flat-out quit.

You also should learn the closest thing they have to a euphemism ... "That was optimistic," for a shot that should have never been taken and wasn't going in unless the net was in Row ZZ.

Now I understand that you may not be comfortable with such bluntness, especially if you're not sure your opinions are warranted. If that's the case, then just don't stop your partner from doing it. It may seem weird at first, but it's OK.

Good luck.

Likes and dislikes on the microphones

Richard Deitsch has weighed in with his 2011 sports media awards,  and the readers of Awful Announcing have listed their best and worst in sports media.

As for me, I have my own favorites and people who make me cringe. Like the old All-Madden teams, these are based on people I see or hear, so while I have a general idea that Colin Cowherd is an insufferable doofus, I don't have the "privilege" of listening to his show, so he's not on my lists.

Let's start with the positives, shall we? (By the way, with the exception of my favorite or least favorite, who are listed last, these are in no particular ascending or descending order.)

LIKES

English soccer announcers - I know people who can probably provide more of a clue as to the quality of individual announcers' work, but what I love about them is their honesty. If someone makes a bad play, they say it. If a ref blows a call, they say it. If someone can't play, they say it. The closest thing most of them have for a euphemism is "That was optimistic" if someone skies a shot into Row ZZ from 40 yards out.


Jeff Van Gundy (ESPN/ABC) - He looks and acts a bit comical at times, especially when he's talking about referees, but don't be fooled. The guy knows his stuff, and he's really good at explaining it. He gets extra points for respecting the game enough to ask for the UConn-Baylor women's game because it shaped up to be a good one and he wanted to be there.

Don Orsillo (NESN) - He must be good for a Yankees fan to put him on this list, but he's a pro and gives a good call. There's a reason why TBS puts him on its postseason coverage and tried to get him full-time before he signed a new deal to stay in Boston.

Michael Felger (98.5 FM, Boston) - There's a really crappy sports talk radio station in Boston, full of blowhards who worship loudly at the altar of all the local sports teams while only having the advantage of knowing what they're talking about or actually being interesting once in a while. Felger and his partner, Tony Massarotti, have a show that's not on that station, and actually have a take that's sometimes ... the horrors! ... contrary! And he's arrogant enough in a good way to pull it off ... if you've ever heard him pronounce "fact, not opinion," you'll know what I mean.

Doris Burke (ESPN) - Smart, articulate, knows the game, great at explaining what's going on, funny at times, so good that she can go from women's to men's games or booth to sideline without a problem ... am I missing anything? The only quibble I've had with her is that she would sometimes get carried away ("We see you!" is the dead giveaway), but I think she has calmed that down since she started doing men's games from time to time. It's like she realized she wasn't in her usual sandbox, so she knew she needed to throttle down a little bit, and in so doing, found her correct speed.


Dan Shulman (ESPN) - He's good at everything, with everyone. Even Bobby Valentine couldn't drag him down.


Jim Lampley and Max Kellerman (HBO) - Lampley's forgotten more about calling sports than most of us will ever know, and I love Kellerman's style on HBO boxing. I'm not as wild about Larry Merchant, but this was pretty cool.



Sean McDonough, Bill Raftery and Jay Bilas (ESPN) - Individually, they're all really good, and Bilas' Twitter feed is outstanding, but when you put them together, their chemistry is incredible. I'm not sure if it was their idea to get together, a happy accident thrown together by ESPN or the result of someone thinking "these guys could work well together," but they make Big Monday a lot more entertaining.

Jack Edwards (NESN)/Tommy Heinsohn (Comcast Sports Net New England) - I'm not crazy about homers, but I can deal with them. However, I really don't like yahoos who think everything that happens against their team is some sort of conspiracy, especially referees' calls. But if you're going to be a yahoo, be so over-the-top that it's hilarious like these guys do on Bruins and Celtics games.


Vin Scully (I don't know the network, but it's the Dodgers on TV) - He's the second-best thing about my MLB.TV subscription. Once the Yankees game is over, I check the West Coast games to see if there are any that interest me. Unless there's an intriguing pitching matchup (Roy Halladay against Tim Lincecum in San Francisco will likely get my attention, for example), if the Dodgers are home, that's where I'm going. He's in his 80s, and I hope he keeps coming back until he physically cannot do it any longer.

DISLIKES

Brent Musburger (ABC/ESPN) - The guy's a legend, and for the life of me, I have no idea why. The best term I can think of for him is "carnival barker," and some of his banter with Erin Andrews on ESPN's Tuesday night Big 10 basketball games has nearly made me physically uncomfortable. (Yes Brent, we get it. She's pretty, and college boys like her. I'd be interested in hearing what the coach told her at halftime, if you don't mind.)


Joe Buck (FOX) - We all know somebody who's not nearly as smart, funny or interesting as they think they are. (Perhaps some of my friends feel that way about me. Guilty.) That's Joe Buck.

Tim McCarver (FOX) - What, did you think I wouldn't include Buck's partner on Fox's baseball coverage? Not only does he use 9,000 words where 25 will do, it's often for something he really doesn't even need 25 words for.

Meghan Culmo (Connecticut Public Television) - CPTV picks up the UConn women's basketball games that aren't on national TV, and people who live outside Connecticut can subscribe for $59.95. That's cool, but what's not cool is having Culmo, a former Connecticut player and assistant coach, call the games. She's hampered a little bit by having mostly blowouts, but her analysis consists almost completely of what UConn coach Geno Auriemma has told her and what she read in that day's Hartford Courant. When she talks about the other team, it's completely condescending in a "Look at those girls try so hard!" kind of way, punctuated by a surprised "Ha ha!" if one of their players hits a shot. What's sad is that all this still doesn't completely describe how unprepared and terrible she is. She's one of the main reasons we didn't renew our subscription this year.

Darrell Waltrip (Fox) - While he was still an active driver, Waltrip would sometimes call truck races on the former TNN on his off weeks, and he was really good. We all know he can talk, but he was really good at analysis and quite funny, so I was excited to learn he would be joining the Fox NASCAR broadcast team. And he was great ... for about six weeks. Then he morphed into "Ol' DW," with the singing and "boogity, boogity, boogity" at the start of every race. Instead of being a character, he became a caricature, and is almost unwatchable.


Ken Harrelson (Chicago White Sox TV) - This one makes me sad. During my younger days, I loved Harrelson on White Sox and later Yankees games. He was insightful, intelligent and taught me a lot about hitting. He once did a riff about "giving yourself a chance to hit a home run" that I found enthralling. But in recent years, when I watch White Sox games on WGN, he's nothing more than a yahoo, filling time between "He gone" and "Put it on the board ... YES!"

John Sterling (WCBS) - A couple years ago, Mike Pesca gave a scathing review of Ali Velshi's "Gimme My Money Back: Your Guide to Beating the Financial Crisis" on "Planet Money," featuring the following:

"One bad stock pick doesn't make this a bad book. The cliches which frequently begin each chapter ... that doesn't make it a bad book. The charts from Morningstar which are so small and are shaded so poorly that they strain both your eyes and your patience, they don't make it a bad book. But, you know what, overall, it's a bad book."

That's a bit how I feel about John Sterling. His silly catchphrases ("Tex message," "Robinson Cano, doncha know?" "An A-bomb...from A-Rod!) don't make him a bad announcer. His sometimes only being aware of what's going on doesn't make him a bad announcer. His desire to turn every game into "The John Sterling Show with Yankees Baseball" ... that makes him a bad announcer.

SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE


Dick Vitale (ESPN) - In small doses, he's OK. In larger doses, he'd make we want to throw my TV off a bridge.

Michael Kay and the cast of thousands (YES Network) - Fairly inoffensive on Yankees games. They're just kind of there.

Gus Johnson (Fox) - He's known for his enthusiasm, but if the Big 10 football championship game (in which I turned the sound off midway through the first half) is any indication, he's at high risk for Garces/Brown Syndrome.