Two continents, two tales of woe

My English friend was slightly pleased after Andy Murray won Wimbledon today. He wrote the following on Facebook:

WAAAAHOOOOOOOOO!First the Red Sox, now Andy Murray. Come on Cubbies, you're up fellas!

When I replied that the English national soccer team has a better chance of ending its World Cup drought than the Cubs do of ending their World Series dry spell, he suggested I write about "who sucks more."

Consider it done, mate.

* * * * *

Other than the fact that neither has won the big prize in a long time, comparing English soccer and Cubs baseball actually isn't actually fair.

From my distance of being both in America (at least until my vacation coming up in London this fall) and a fairly new soccer fan, it's interesting to see the English obsession with its national soccer side. Every personnel move, coaching change and result -- whether a competitive match or friendly -- is a morality play, with fans and pundits dissecting every little detail to figure out What It All Means.

In their excellent book "Soccernomics," Simon Kuper and Stefan Szymanski dedicate an entire chapter not just to the stages of English World Cup campaigns leading up to the inevitable failure and rationalizations that follow (the English version of the book is called "Why England Lose"), but also to the argument that based on a series of factors, including population, England actually does as well, if not a little better, than it should.

England typically fields a good team, with good players, but they always manage to fall short somehow. (In my real life, I am famous/infamous in my circle of friends for providing running commentary on Facebook about awards shows. This year's Oscars featured the post "A tie for an Oscar? I say penalty kicks! So long as no one involved in either movie is English." Easiest joke ever.)

The Cubs, on the other hand, certainly have their history of heartbreaking moments ... 

... but they've also been terrible a lot of the time.

Seriously, while England fans surely will be convinced that next year will the year they bring home the World Cup, and they no doubt will be taking a good team to Brazil if they qualify, any Cubs fan who thinks they'll win the World Series next year either knows something the rest of us don't or is seriously deluded.

I put my money on seriously deluded.

Yes, fans have gotten that bad

On the Guardian's website, I came across this blog post by Marina Hyde about soccer fans' reaction to Fabrice Muamba's heart attack, namely her disdain for people saluting themselves over how they reacted.

A 23-year-old father of one suffers a massive heart attack on the pitch in front of a football crowd, and ever since it has been difficult to avoid those fostering collective pride at the reaction. It has "brought out the best in football"; it has allowed fans to show that there are things "bigger than football"; it has made all manner of people "proud of football".

... When the alternative action is so monstrous as to be clinically diagnosable as psychopathic, then I can't really go along with those who reckon not succumbing to it is some form of personal and collective triumph.

(Two quick side notes ... for those who don't know much about Muamba, like me, this is a fascinating article about his upbringing as a refugee from the Democratic Republic of Congo ... and it astounds me to read a doctor saying that Muamba was, in effect, dead.)

As I was reading Hyde's post, I started to think that she should have figured out why it was such a big deal, but then I saw that she pretty much had.

So instead of congratulating itself on its eminently civilised reaction to poor Muamba's suffering, the football family might instead care to wonder to what a pretty pass things have come for a basically humane reaction to be deemed so remarkable.

... By doing so they presumably seek to turn a young man's shocking and life-threatening misfortune into something of which we can all be proud. That is questionable enough – and by implication casts football as a place where humane norms disappeared long ago.

But to be fair, it's not just football, either the kind she's writing about or the one played here in the United States. Or baseball. Or basketball. Or most other sports. We'll pretty much cheer any player's misfortune until the stretchers and ambulances come out.

And even though Hyde seems to think fans should be above such a thing, clearly not all of them are.

Good work (I guess) if you can get it

I had seen that a fairly prominent job came open today, and even though it's not one I'd be qualified for, I figured I'd look at the want ad, just to see what they are seeking.

WANTED: ENGLAND MANAGER -- Historic Football Association seeks genius to lead its national football side, effective immediately, as an important competition is soon at hand.


The successful candidate will be able to choose the right blend of multimillionaires to be victorious while being willing to share in certain decisions without (too much) complaint. Every game will be a referendum on his intelligence, decision-making skills, dress, taste in women, speaking manner, family heritage and preferences for after-match beverages.


Ability to feed a ravenous media beast in service of citizens who remember 1966 like it was yesterday, even if they weren't born yet, is non-negotiable.


Being English is a plus, but not required, although there will always be people who think it should be a requirement, including possibly ... us.


Ability to speak German not needed, but ability to beat Germany is (along with Brazil, Argentina, Spain, France, the United States and anyone else England has fought a war against, which is pretty much everybody).


Benefits include competitive pay and contractual terms ... if you last that long ... and godlike status if you bring home big, shiny trophies.


To apply, send CV and plan for how Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard can play together.

Wow, that looks like one taxing job!

Bloopers make the world go 'round

There comes a time in every man's life, when in the course of bumping around the Internet, he decides to head on over the the Guardian website to check out the latest soccer news ...

... and sees a blooper so outstanding it renders everything else he might have seen pointless.