Today's dumbest story in sports: all-England edition

So it turns out Liverpool won the Premier League after all ... provided you only count goals scored by English players.

Yes, the New York Times brings us some research showing that game-by-game, if you only counted the goals by English players, Liverpool would have cruised to the title by nine points over Southampton and 16 over Manchester United. I actually would have guessed at the result before reading, as Steven Gerrard, Daniel Sturridge, Glen Johnson, Raheem Sterling and Jordan Henderson give Liverpool a strong English contingent.

As for Manchester City, the actual champions, they would have been relegated with a record of one win against eight losses and 29 draws.

The whole exercise is pretty silly. For starters, it only accounts for goals scored, not goals stopped. As leaky as Liverpool's defense was, it would have been even worse without Simon Mignolet (a Belgian) in goal and central defenders Kolo Toure (Ivory Coast), Daniel Agger (Denmark), Mamadou Sakho (France) and Martin Skrtel (Slovakia), although I'm not sure how Skrtel's four own-goals would count on the ledger.

But more importantly, and seriously, it's just pointless. It would be like someone saying baseball is America's National Pastime so let's see who won the World Series by counting statistics garnered by Americans (although that would mean no David Ortiz or Koji Uehara, so maybe that's not such a bad idea).

The timing of posting the standings if only English goals count is fortuitous, though, in that it's not only the day after the Premier League season ends, but also the day the English World Cup roster was announced. From what I understand, the lack of English players in the Premier League and its international impact is a source of much hand-wringing, with various attempts to figure out how to make things better.

However, as The Secret Footballer pointed out, the Premier League is a business, and a highly successful one, based on getting the best players from around the world.

"That flagship policy (reaching the semifinals of Euro 2020 and winning the 2022 World Cup) is undermined by a multibillion-pound elephant at the other end of the table. It’s called the Premier League and it doesn’t care if England never win the World Cup again."

So there's no need to fantasize about what the standings would look like in a Premier League of only English players; it's not going to happen.

Plus, it's not like England's international record isn't all that stellar when most of the players in its top league were English. There's a reason why 1966 is a magical year there.

Two continents, two tales of woe

My English friend was slightly pleased after Andy Murray won Wimbledon today. He wrote the following on Facebook:

WAAAAHOOOOOOOOO!First the Red Sox, now Andy Murray. Come on Cubbies, you're up fellas!

When I replied that the English national soccer team has a better chance of ending its World Cup drought than the Cubs do of ending their World Series dry spell, he suggested I write about "who sucks more."

Consider it done, mate.

* * * * *

Other than the fact that neither has won the big prize in a long time, comparing English soccer and Cubs baseball actually isn't actually fair.

From my distance of being both in America (at least until my vacation coming up in London this fall) and a fairly new soccer fan, it's interesting to see the English obsession with its national soccer side. Every personnel move, coaching change and result -- whether a competitive match or friendly -- is a morality play, with fans and pundits dissecting every little detail to figure out What It All Means.

In their excellent book "Soccernomics," Simon Kuper and Stefan Szymanski dedicate an entire chapter not just to the stages of English World Cup campaigns leading up to the inevitable failure and rationalizations that follow (the English version of the book is called "Why England Lose"), but also to the argument that based on a series of factors, including population, England actually does as well, if not a little better, than it should.

England typically fields a good team, with good players, but they always manage to fall short somehow. (In my real life, I am famous/infamous in my circle of friends for providing running commentary on Facebook about awards shows. This year's Oscars featured the post "A tie for an Oscar? I say penalty kicks! So long as no one involved in either movie is English." Easiest joke ever.)

The Cubs, on the other hand, certainly have their history of heartbreaking moments ... 

... but they've also been terrible a lot of the time.

Seriously, while England fans surely will be convinced that next year will the year they bring home the World Cup, and they no doubt will be taking a good team to Brazil if they qualify, any Cubs fan who thinks they'll win the World Series next year either knows something the rest of us don't or is seriously deluded.

I put my money on seriously deluded.

Good work (I guess) if you can get it

I had seen that a fairly prominent job came open today, and even though it's not one I'd be qualified for, I figured I'd look at the want ad, just to see what they are seeking.

WANTED: ENGLAND MANAGER -- Historic Football Association seeks genius to lead its national football side, effective immediately, as an important competition is soon at hand.


The successful candidate will be able to choose the right blend of multimillionaires to be victorious while being willing to share in certain decisions without (too much) complaint. Every game will be a referendum on his intelligence, decision-making skills, dress, taste in women, speaking manner, family heritage and preferences for after-match beverages.


Ability to feed a ravenous media beast in service of citizens who remember 1966 like it was yesterday, even if they weren't born yet, is non-negotiable.


Being English is a plus, but not required, although there will always be people who think it should be a requirement, including possibly ... us.


Ability to speak German not needed, but ability to beat Germany is (along with Brazil, Argentina, Spain, France, the United States and anyone else England has fought a war against, which is pretty much everybody).


Benefits include competitive pay and contractual terms ... if you last that long ... and godlike status if you bring home big, shiny trophies.


To apply, send CV and plan for how Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard can play together.

Wow, that looks like one taxing job!