Some thoughts about what whole soccer thing

Now that the United States has been eliminated from the World Cup, we can now concentrate the soccer story that really matters ... by which of course I mean the question of What It All Means For Soccer In The United States.

To be honest, I have no idea. I don't think the ratings (including non-U.S. games) and watch parties mean soccer is finally destined to leap into a lead spot on the U.S. sports landscape -- I have, at times, noticed that soccer has been the sport of the future for 35 years -- but they have to mean something. It's just a matter of what.

If I had to guess, the audience has been part rooting for the United States, part people who are soccer fans already and part loving big events, but it's hard to believe that the World Cup hasn't resulted in any new fans at all. Maybe they'll take in an MLS game (which by the way, I never have, not in person, anyway, and I haven't watched much on TV, either) or stop on NBC Sports Network this fall if Everton is playing because they remember that's who Tim Howard plays for.

In short, this year's World Cup will probably mean another incremental increase in the sport's popularity in the United States, that soccer will be a little closer to "success" and "arriving" here, whatever either of those two terms mean.

I just wish people would realize something I've said at least a couple times on Twitter already ... that liking soccer doesn't preclude someone from liking other sports, because sometimes I wonder if people realize that. Take, let's say, a certain sports columnist in Boston whose ability to make people hate him is so sublime he should be the hero for every professional wrestling heel working today.

While I've long thought his act had elements of shtick to it (depending on the situation, he can play idiot Boston fan, guy who mocks idiot Boston fan, troll and, once in a great while, columnist who writes something that makes sense), I do sometimes feel the "I don't like soccer and you can't make me" attitude that he and people like him have is a fear that appreciating soccer means they can't like baseball or football or whatever they like.

So they trot out "there's no scoring in soccer" (not always in baseball, either, and baseball has a lot more standing around when literally nothing happens) or "you can't use your hands" (quick, other than walking, running or kicking things, are they any activities that aren't easier by virtue of using your hands) or my new favorite, "you can't tell how much time is left" (because when does a baseball game end, exactly, and not knowing when the ref will call for time can sometimes make things more dramatic, not less).

I just wonder how they would do in a place like England, where soccer is basically the only major sport there is, where being able to see most any American sport, including the precious NFL, would be a novelty.

But they're not in England; they're here, and if they don't like soccer, they're still allowed to like whatever they do like.

There are just more people all the time who think they have it wrong.

The game is the thing ... at least FIFA hopes so

If you've seen John Oliver's epic "Last Week Tonight" segment on the horribleness that is FIFA (and if you haven't, it's right there ... watch it), you know that before and after he lays out in great detail just how horrible FIFA is, he says he's incredibly excited for the World Cup.
He presents it as a conundrum ... loving an event while knowing the people in charge of it are loathsome. But it's not really that much of a conundrum, and it's not something that can be ascribed to the "religious" aspects of soccer.
After all, the most-popular sport in this country is one in which we are learning more and more that its participants are maiming themselves for our enjoyment, but woe unto anyone who tries to do anything about it, or even say it's happening.
In March and early April, millions of people may actually stop obsessing over the spectacle that is the self-maiming to watch a basketball tournament in which the "student-athletes" miss days of classes to play for the championship of an organization that believes the players can receive an education at the school they play for and absolutely nothing else, even as the billions keep rolling in.
And earlier this year, the youth of the world gathered to compete in a country run by a man who could generously be described as perhaps a bit autocratic, and not only did people complain when one of the television hosts of that event dared to bring it up (because, you know, he said something about guns once), they complained when they couldn't see those competitions as they happened.
This is sports. This is what sports does. We want our games, and absent something truly catastrophic (stadiums falling in, natural disasters, people dying), we don't want anything to intrude on them. Yes, sports provide a welcome distraction from whatever crap is going on in the world, and my good friend Cy Nical would tell you that's especially true for people who don't want to have to think about anything.
But it's not just that. Lots of people are perfectly capable of understanding the real world and its implications on sports, who know that the NFL, NCAA, Vladimir Putin's Russia and the International Olympic Committee that awarded this year's Winter Olympics to him are flawed, at best, but we still love the games.
Why?
Because they're fun!
In just this World Cup alone, there are so many questions, and it's going to be so much fun to see them be answered? Will the United States get out of group play, and if not, will Landon Donovan be able to restrain himself from shouting "I told you so!" on air?
Will Spain be able to defend its title, or will Brazil lift the trophy on home soil? Or will Lionel Messi become the hero for Argentina that he is for Barcelona and lead his country to glory? Will Luis Suarez and Cristiano Ronaldo be able to play? If so, how effective will they be? 
How will England mess it up this time, and who will be blamed when they do? Will it be Roy Hodgson? Wayne Rooney? Steven Gerrard? The guy who missed the key penalty kick in the shootout?
Those are the ones I came up with off the top of my head. I'm sure there are a lot of others people far better-versed in the World Cup could come up with.
So enjoy the games. Just don't be blind about it.

Today's dumbest story in sports: all-England edition

So it turns out Liverpool won the Premier League after all ... provided you only count goals scored by English players.

Yes, the New York Times brings us some research showing that game-by-game, if you only counted the goals by English players, Liverpool would have cruised to the title by nine points over Southampton and 16 over Manchester United. I actually would have guessed at the result before reading, as Steven Gerrard, Daniel Sturridge, Glen Johnson, Raheem Sterling and Jordan Henderson give Liverpool a strong English contingent.

As for Manchester City, the actual champions, they would have been relegated with a record of one win against eight losses and 29 draws.

The whole exercise is pretty silly. For starters, it only accounts for goals scored, not goals stopped. As leaky as Liverpool's defense was, it would have been even worse without Simon Mignolet (a Belgian) in goal and central defenders Kolo Toure (Ivory Coast), Daniel Agger (Denmark), Mamadou Sakho (France) and Martin Skrtel (Slovakia), although I'm not sure how Skrtel's four own-goals would count on the ledger.

But more importantly, and seriously, it's just pointless. It would be like someone saying baseball is America's National Pastime so let's see who won the World Series by counting statistics garnered by Americans (although that would mean no David Ortiz or Koji Uehara, so maybe that's not such a bad idea).

The timing of posting the standings if only English goals count is fortuitous, though, in that it's not only the day after the Premier League season ends, but also the day the English World Cup roster was announced. From what I understand, the lack of English players in the Premier League and its international impact is a source of much hand-wringing, with various attempts to figure out how to make things better.

However, as The Secret Footballer pointed out, the Premier League is a business, and a highly successful one, based on getting the best players from around the world.

"That flagship policy (reaching the semifinals of Euro 2020 and winning the 2022 World Cup) is undermined by a multibillion-pound elephant at the other end of the table. It’s called the Premier League and it doesn’t care if England never win the World Cup again."

So there's no need to fantasize about what the standings would look like in a Premier League of only English players; it's not going to happen.

Plus, it's not like England's international record isn't all that stellar when most of the players in its top league were English. There's a reason why 1966 is a magical year there.

The dumbest stories in sports (Part 2)

The NFL schedule for next season was released tonight, and apparently that is cause for much rejoicing.

The NFL Schedule will be released tonight. Block off your Sundays, Mondays, and Thursdays accordingly.
— ESPN (@espn) April 23, 2014

So that got Mrs. Last Honest and I to thinking ... what sporting events would happen between tonight (April 23) and the first game of the NFL season Sept. 4? Here's what we came up with:

• The remainder of the NBA and NHL playoffs.
• More than four months of the Major League Baseball season, including the All-Star Game.
• The College World Series.
• The Little League World Series.
• The Baseball Hall of Fame induction.
• The NFL, NBA, MLB and NHL drafts.
• The World Cup.
• The end of this Premier League season ... and the start of the next one.
• The French Open, Wimbledon and most of the U.S. Open.
• The British Open, the U.S. Open and the PGA Championship.
• The Indianapolis 500, Coca-Cola 600 and Grand Prix of Monaco ... all on the same day.
• The WNBA regular season. 
• The Kentucky Derby, Preakness and Belmont.
• The opening of the Canadian Football League season (by the way, they announced their schedule in February).
• The Tour de France.
• The Floyd Mayweather-Marcos Maidana fight.

But by all means, let's obsess over the NFL schedule.

My advice for Gus Johnson

Gus ... Gus ... Gus ... GUS!!!!

Sorry, didn't mean to yell there. I just wasn't sure you could hear me over whatever it was you were talking about.

I must confess, I was not thrilled to hear that you were being groomed to Fox's lead announcer for the 2018 World Cup. I might have even said something on the Twitter machine about it being the latest in Fox's seemingly never-ending efforts to screw up every sport there is. For one thing, if I ever find the guy with the robot fetish ...

You see, Gus, to be honest, I'm not a fan. What used to be endearing enthusiasm has turned into what I call Garces/Brown Syndrome. Since I doubt you've been following this blog since its inception, it's when a person becomes so defined by a particular characteristic (in your case, getting somewhat excited over things) that it consumes them.

Simply put, you've become shtick. And it annoys me greatly.

However, if you're going to do the gig, you might as well do it as well as you can. In that spirit, I would like to offer you a few friendly bits of advice.

1. Learn the game

I've been following soccer a little more than casually for the past few years. It's actually kind of exciting, getting to know more about a sport that I didn't grow up with and really had no knowledge base about. I'm getting better, but if I got plopped in a broadcast booth, I would drown in a deep pool of flop sweat and suck.

So I can appreciate your learning curve, and it's encouraging to see that you understand it, starting with calling yourself a "novice."

I'm also heartened that it looks like you're doing the work, calling MLS games on the radio, taking a trip to Europe to see games and meet with people and even playing pickup soccer games.

All very good. May I also suggest reading anything you can find from Jonathan Wilson? Sure, 90 percent of it will go over your head, especially when he gets deep in the weeds on tactics. but the 10 percent that sticks will be valuable.

2. Seriously, about the yelling

Listening to you cover a football game is like the announcing version of the running back who gets all puffy-chested and James Dean-like (h/t former co-worker Ray) for picking up four yards on 3rd-and-3 or the linebacker who does a little dance when he stops a runner for a six-yard gain. There's a lot of excitement that doesn't need to happen.

The thing about soccer is that you'll get your moments to be the Gus Johnson that so many people know and love. They just tend to sometimes be few and far between, and they can come out of nowhere.

And the moments don't even have to be goals. There are a lot of exciting moments where the ball doesn't go into the net. My favorites are the shots that appear out of the blue by ROO-NEY! or DROG-BA!

When someone actually scores, especially if it's spectacular, by all means, let it go. I can envision your goal calls being almost as famous as Ray Hudson's, albeit for the volume and not necessarily the flights of whimsy with the English language.



But I beg of you, just pick your spots. (While you're at it, apply that to the rest of your stuff, too.)

3. Tell us how you really feel

You're an American announcer, which means you belong to the school of no players or coaches ever doing something wrong or not being good at what they do unless there's some sort of extenuating circumstance like a bum knee or a sleepless night before the game due to nightmares of an announcer yelling in his ear all night.

But while you're watching English games on Fox Soccer Channel all weekend (which I'm sure you're doing), take note how honest the announcers are. They're all quite skilled at noting how many golden scoring chances Liverpool blows -- lots of opportunities for practice -- and if a player messes up, they say so. If a coach makes a boneheaded move, they say so. I'm pretty sure I've heard them say a team has flat-out quit.

You also should learn the closest thing they have to a euphemism ... "That was optimistic," for a shot that should have never been taken and wasn't going in unless the net was in Row ZZ.

Now I understand that you may not be comfortable with such bluntness, especially if you're not sure your opinions are warranted. If that's the case, then just don't stop your partner from doing it. It may seem weird at first, but it's OK.

Good luck.